feeling pretty low. had a mass fall out with my older sister, i cant take her crap anymore.
im actually looking forward to work tomorrow just to be out the house.
had a ‘runner’ at work today, never been so scared in my life cos i was on front cover, oop.
looking forward to wednesday more than ever and spending the day doing anything but worry about getting to work on time!
started reading fifty shades of grey today, set myself a target for a book a day or two depending on shifts this summer, so far challenge is going fab! gonna run out of shelf space soon, considering a kindle investment but think id miss the novelty of owning the scruffy, well-loved paperback copies.
its sad but this is all the news i bring these days, either family issues, new reads, work incidents or food. oh and exercise.
i think im a new woman. albeit a boring one, but one im much prouder to be.
 

cannot sleep for the life of me.

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7. things i like and dislike about the way i look.

i like that i look like me. and i like my freckles. and my hands. and my teeth, because although they arent perfect, they have stories. 
i dislike my nose. and my feet. and the chubby bit at the top of my legs. i dislike my belly. and the top of my arms. i dont like how chubby my cheeks are or how lumpy my hips are. i dont like all the scars up my legs or the size of my boobs. i dislike my bum. and my smile. and my eyebrows. i dislike the thinness of my hair and how it has no shape or volume to it. i dislike the colour of my eyes and just the whole shape of myself.
but i look like me. and i have people that still love me. and i guess thats all i really need.
and its all good and well me saying this on here because im telling myself its how it is, but in reality, this concept is much much harder to accept. but im trying. 

i cant even begin to explain how crazy i feel. like, my life is at a complete crossroads and i cant stop thinking about it. im so excited and so worried and anxious and everything all at once. im spending my days running around florida like a child with a grin slapped on my face like ive never seen daylight or something. it all just feels so carefree and brilliant here, like i can be the biggest dork and nobody minds, theres no one to laugh or say anything mean, and everyone is so happy. its just beautiful and magical and inexplicably incredible. and then i find myself thinking, this is it, ultimately, this is my last summer of being a child. of being my mum and dads little princess, of having someone to look out for me when its not alright. spending so much time with my family has been stressful yes, and its not over, but its making me realise too much how close i am to leaving them and moving out. i know im not leaving for good, but its such a big change and im beginning to think im not ready for it. im too comfortable being my mams little baby, of sitting with her and talking and watching films and crying. as much as my dad is a pain in my ass its not going to be the same not being able to grab a hug off him, to hear him tell me he loves me and that hes proud of me. i cant nip into my sisters’ rooms for a gossip or a giggle. ive only been away for a week and a half now and i miss robert, i dont think its helped not being able to phone or hear his voice. its been almost a month since ive seen claudia, im not coping. its just bizarre, a girl at the pool bar was talking to us and she’d been travelling around africa on her own, not even with a friend, for a year. and listening to her and watching her as she got so enthusiastic about it all was just amazing and made me want to do it, i want to be independant and see the world and experience as much as possible. i just rely on the comfort of the people i love around me too much. im too much of a lovey, huggy, emotional person i think. i cried at a disney parade for goodness sake, theres no hope for me. and everythings going to be so different soon and i couldnt be more unprepared.

i just had the best week of my life. im not even kidding when i say im so far past being happy right now, its ridiculous. okay, so my life isnt perfect, but it never will be, and i think ive finally accepted that. i have a family who function pretty decently, we have our ups and downs, but we love each other. i have a boyfriend who loves me and makes me grin like a lunatic, i love him and i never even dreamed id be so happy with another person, not even when i was older, but its happened. and i love it. i have fabby friends who i adore and miss a hella lot and i just feel completely content. im trying to stay positive and keep things this bright, but secretly im panicking about my results and potentially leaving home. it scares the shit out of me. but what will be, will be. and i have to just accept that. 

words couldnt even begin to describe how thankful i am right now for my boyfriend. 

or how utterly fed up i am of nat.

i think i fully understand now how you can be so happy and yet so broken apart at the same time. 

youre pathetic. i wish that just for once you would act your age and stop being so ridiculous. ive done absolutely nothing wrong and for once, im sticking by that. im not backing down anymore. if you want to hate me for being me, and think that everybody hates you and is taking my side, perhaps you should look at the situation and realise youre in the wrong. but no. you wont, because you never do. so you can be stubborn and petty, i dont care anymore. but you hurt me, and you didnt even say sorry. you just had a go because id told someone that i was upset and because i should be able to take it. but i shouldnt have to from you. nor would i expect you to take it from me. because its just nasty. im sick of you being like this and putting me down and making me feel like complete and utter shit, just to make you feel better. it isnt fair. and its ridiculous that you use my relationships with other people to twist things and make me feel even worse. but i refuse to. youre behaving like a child, and i wish sometimes you werent so selfish.

i dont think i could possibly be anymore in love right now. its crazy. my exams are beyond stressing me out and i dont have any time to see him, and the same with him, but somehow, thats all okay, because its nice making the most of the few times we are together, even if its just a sneaky peck between my revision. im not even kidding when i say hes my rock right now, because i am seriously freaking out about my exams, and somehow, he makes everything seem possible, even when i refuse to be positive or cant see past all my worry, he makes it better. and he makes me happy. 

i love my boyfriend.

my sister is a flyd. but i love her more than life itself.

i dont even know how to begin to describe how awful and how happy i feel right now.

spent last night getting merry with people i adore. and apparently made my cousins 21st. haa. i cant even put in words how much i am in love with robert. its like agh. hes perfect. and i found out i am indeed, the worst dancer in all of the world. and made a complete fool of myself with la fam in town. and their friends. and i loved every second of it. even the minging hash brown at 5 in the morning.. dancing when drunk needs to end though, i cant feel my knees and i look like an old lady hobbling around the house.

askjhfsld but i dont care, because im a happie chappie right now. {:

letter 20. - to the one that broke my heart hardest.

i get told that i havent really experienced heartbreak, but i dont think anyone understood how i was feeling, given i pretty much lied my way through it.

i still dont know if it was “heartbreak” but im pretty sure its the closest ive ever been to it. even if it only lasted 3 weeks. i guess i just got lucky.

to be given up on, without a real reason, without explanation, then to be told youre amazing, cried to and then left, it was the worst ive ever felt.

you told me it wasnt my fault, but all i could think of was everything id done, all the tiny little things, it drove me mad. to the point of breaking down on her. 

and now look at us. :)

letter 18. - the person i wish i could be.

there isnt a person i wish i was. well apart from taylor swift. i just wish i was different.

i just wish i could be better. not at everything, just some things. the things that are important to me, yet everytime i try, it never works.

i wish i was beautiful and skinny.

i wish i wasnt so inconsiderate and selfish, that i thought before i spoke.

i wish i didnt worry so much, or moan.

i wish i didnt have to wish to be different.

letter 11. - someone deceased you wish you could speak to.

grandad, weird thing is, as im writing this today, its 2 years since you left us.

i dont think im ever going to fully understand why, you still had so much ahead of you.

i wish id been able to grow up with you still here with me, i wish id asked you about the scar you showed me, about the letters mum said you were writing to nan. you dealt with so much heartbreak on your own, i just wish we could have talked properly, not me making you play silly games and think of things for me to draw. as i got older i was less interested in drawing pictures or acting out different animals for you to guess and i hid away in my room. i hate myself so much for that, but i cant go back and change it. there are so many things ive done that i wish i could come and sit and tell you all about like i used to. instead i can just hope that you already know.

it still doesnt feel real. and i still find it hard to accept. i like to pretend that its all just some silly joke youre playing on us, and one of these sundays you’ll ring up and ask when dads setting off for you, and have we got you some chocolate? i dont think i could ever explain to anyone how hard ive begged god to make this happen. i thought id be okay with it by now, and usually i’ll be fine and get on with things and its just nice to remember things, and then sometimes it hits me right in the stomach that youre gone.

i dont think that if i saw you again id be able to say much if im honest. id probably just run and hug you and never let go. i love you grandad.

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